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Alone Is Not Lonely

By
Kanan AgnihotriGautam
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0
Alone Is Not Lonely

Alone Is Not Lonely

I was raised in a family where no vacations meant family gatherings. Those times were different, laid back and fun. Today the world is different. We have  all turned into islands by ourselves busy fighting our own battles.

I am reminded of John Donne, who wrote in the 17th century…..

“No man is an island entire of itself;

every man is a piece of the continent, 

a part of the main”

These words have a totally different connotation in today’s world. life is so full of twists and turns that to evade all the meaningless drama itself has become a struggle. Competition, ostentatiousness, fake sympathizers are more than enough to cause emotional disarray in daily lives.

Why be a loner?

People who love to socialize consider me an egoist. Who cares! I feel comfortable cut off from the physical world. Despite of my efforts I find myself incapable of not getting affected by negativity.  I have accepted that there is no point in wasting my energy on people who do not wish to change but I can surely save my positivity. Staying away from people  is a compulsion to keep my soul alive.

Conflict between heart and mind is about

being ‘alone’ and feeling ‘lonely’

Everyone is entitled to their own way of seeing things. Who are we to pass judgement? If I decide to be alone, it is because I feel real about myself. I do not wish to keep giving a fake smile, handling all the people who want to know how am I managing without any social life.

The vibes of intrusive individuals create an undesired conflict between my heart and mind. Heart makes me remember old times and pushes towards ‘My’ people. Logical mind says, “Oh, stop thinking of others. Get a life and stop hurting yourself hearing blunt cutting words.”

Heart shouts, “No, you cannot run away from life. Get back to your people for they represent life.”

It is difficult to shut up conflicting thoughts but wise to do so. This conflict is all about ‘Being alone and feeling lonely.’ Loneliness creeps in slowly once we begin staying alone. There comes the need to understand the difference between being ‘alone’ and being ‘lonely’.

One might love to be alone but that doesn’t mean the person is lonely. If one keeps busy, there can never be any moment of loneliness.

I never feel lonely as I stay connected online with clients I mentor for fitness and health blog. I love to be with my dog and kids because they make me laugh and smile.

“Peace is the final destination

and calm,

key to eternal joy.”

Life is better when calm and composed. Tranquility can be achieved when we have a purpose in life. The ultimate goal of any life is to acquire peace of mind. If that comes by staying alone away from obtrusive people, is it a bad deal?

The view from the top
Alone but never lonely

Loner by choice….

I am a loner by choice because I wish to lead a meaningful life without any stressful emotional anarchy. 

Making my own rules to lead a happy and positive life is more important to me so I need to decide my personal moments of joy, without bothering about other’s ego issues.

My life choices don’t require anyone’s validation because I know my inner strength is enough to fight my own demons.

“Alone is not lonely.

One just prefers to enjoy the view from above without getting involved.”

Some more chunks of my wisdom here...

Change The Music, Create Your Own Poetry

By
Kanan AgnihotriGautam
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0

Change The Music, Create Your Own Poetry

“Life will try to make you an uninteresting prose,

you need to change the music

create your own poetry”

I completed my school in 1981 to join college. College meant getting rid of Science and Maths. I had always hated those two subjects because I couldn’t understand those. Joining college meant no more school uniforms but dressing up with perfectly styled long hair along with studying my favorite arts subjects.

My mother was always averse to the idea of wasting time over fashion. She used to hate my standing in front of the dressing table to try various plait styles. I was bad at Maths, Science and sports because none of these ever interested me. According to mom, all I needed to do was, to keep solving mathematical problems and mug up science answers.

Playing outdoors to lose weight was the next most important task in her agenda for me.

My mom and our first pet
Professor Anandi Agnihotri My mom and our first pet Tinku

The slap that still resounds….

It was my 10th board prep holidays and among other things what I remember with pain is my mother’s tight slap. The sound and sensation of it is still deeply etched in my mind. That slap was for wasting time on making a new hairstyle while I should have been doing “Maths Practice”.

It took me approximately half an hour of hard work on my hair to get desired results. Engrossed in my new hair style, I forgot the repercussion of my act.

Out there, in the lawn, was my mother, waiting impatiently for me holding a practice test paper for Maths in her hands.  I made a royal entry like a princess, in a happy mood, with books in my arms.

There was a song on my lips from the movie ‘Khatta-Meetha’, “Mummy O Mummy, tu kab saas banegi…”. Now, that was more than what my mom could chew. The moment I reached near her and threw my books on the ground; in a flash of second, a tight slap landed on my cheeks. No prizes for guessing, who slapped whom.

“Oops! But why?”  I cried?

“Instead of studying hard for exams, all you are doing is fashion and dreaming of marriage!”

“No, who said so?” I shouted rubbing my red cheek. Suddenly I remembered the lyrics of the song that I was singing.

“What the heck, like seriously? Singing a song like that meant I didn’t want to study and get married?” I cried and opened my ‘Maths’ book.

A rebel was born….

That was the day, I decided to chop my hair off. What was the fun in having long hair, if I would not be allowed to style them? I was so angry with my life with all the dreams of college life gone in the smoke of my burning heart and cheek. Though now I laugh like crazy remembering the day.

Finally, in 1982 I got my life’s first hair cut which was a very short one. Since that day, my hair became my platform to experiment with my life. Sometimes an outlet for my unutterable frustrations.

Hair cut provides me a subtle psychological relief as when I see my hair getting chopped and falling on the floor, it has a soul cleansing effect on me. A hair cut leads my life from the mundane to changed light head that can think better. It makes me feel empowered and happy to think that I still have some power to change a few things in life, if not all.

My decision to color my hair was another torture I made my hair suffer, all because of the rebel in me. Everything was going wrong in life at that point of time so a new color of my hair fed the ego of that helpless rebel inside me.

Recently while watching a Sandra Bullock movie ’28 Days’, I had a cathartic moment. There was a dialogue which got me crying and thinking….

“Don’t ever be someone’s slogan because you are poetry.”

Madonna, the pop queen, who turns sixty in August 2018 nailed it for the middle aged women when she said,

“I am my own experiment. My own work of art.” 

It’s my own music, my own poetry…

Today I am a 50 plus woman, eternally striving and struggling for peace within, recreating myself as an ongoing poetry. Do I need a support to create my music and sing my song? Not at all. I just have to stay at the effort with a hint of rebellious nuances here and there, which only I can understand.

Here is the song that caused the flutter 😛 Enjoy.

Some more of me is here too..

A Mother’s Nightmare and #MeToo Movement

By
Kanan AgnihotriGautam
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0

A Mother’s Nightmare and #MeToo Movement

A Mother's Nightmare and #MeToo Movement

It all began last year when my Facebook wall was full of #MeToo  posts. I kept reading the stories and realized that it was a movement against sexual harassment and assault. Dabbling in to this movement on the internet revealed, Tarana Burke created a non-profit organisation ‘Just be Inc’ in 2016, in US to help victims of sexual harassment and assault.

A small step soon arrived big at a global scale.

Thousands of women around the world have stormed social media with the hash tag #MeToo along with their sexual harassment stories/allegations. Actresses from Hollywood to Bollywood have spoken against sexism that exists in their own part of the world. The film industry has already earned an ill repute because of the issues of casting couch and sexual exploitation, not to forget the mention of the latest controversy created by Saroj Khan.

This is my #meToo story

#MeToo and the related narratives about casting couch transported me back to 1984/85 when I aspired to join National School Of Drama, Delhi. This dream wasn’t dreamy for my association with stage and performing arts went back to my childhood and I had won a few Best Actress awards also in Youth Festivals. However, even though I tried my best to secure my admission in NSD, I failed as I never got a call for interview.

Many years later, after my marriage, my parents informed me that they never posted my admission form as they were scared of the ill repute of industry and more than that they were afraid of my ambition to be the best at any cost. Well, I think they misinterpreted ‘at any cost’.  I was shaken and shattered as I had entrusted my form submission with my parents because I was busy writing my exams. They broke my trust and that is why, later when I got selected for All India Radio, as Transmission Executive, I informed my parents about it only after getting the interview call. I didn’t want to take any chances this time as my parents wanted me to go for IAS or at least State Administrative Service, in place of any other “petty appointments”. Not their fault as this was very typical of educated parents of 1980’s.

The Big Bad World

Not letting me go for my dream of theater world, was indeed their way to keep their daughter safe from the ‘big bad world’ but what about the worse world that was all around me all the time as family and friends?

This takes me back to my 10 year old self. My mother, sister, a family friend’s teen aged daughter and I were taking this overnight bus ride to Delhi. I was made to sit with one of the ‘most decent boys’ my parents had ever known. Taking advantage of his good reputation, this so-called decent boy kept groping me. Despite hinting about the discomfort, my family could not understand my situation. This now, reminds me of that family reunion where one of the ‘uncle’ tried to fondle me while I was asleep at night?

Our indian families and the society suffers from a bipolar character solely branding issues as ‘black or white’.

For the most of us, ‘grey’ doesn’t exist.  We howl and yell with the global outrage but prefer to hibernate when it concerns our own family. Strangely, we Indians, look at such incidents as isolated incidents or just bad moments, without realizing their impact.  I could not shout out loud at that age, but somewhere in my being, I did loose faith in men. Thanks to my #MeToo experiences, I didn’t let any male hands touch my little daughter. I was always like her shadow, moving everywhere with her.

The day I saw #MeToo sprawled all over my Facebook wall, I almost wrote my #MeToo story. However, I decided to delete my comment. I still don’t know why? Instead, I went to my daughter and asked her if she had seen that #Me Too. “Oh Yes! My school mates commenting #MeToo is surprising!”, she replied.

I shuddered when I heard the names she mentioned for all these girls had very involved and informed parents. I sheepishly asked her, “What about you? Are you not going to write your story?”. This was the best way I could know if even she had been a victim of sexual abuse.

She looked at me and said, “Very strangely Mumma, I have no such experience to share with this #MeToo. I think you over protected me.”

Huff! I almost choked.

What a moment it was; a moment of relief, a moment of calm, a moment of victory and liberation as a mother and a woman. In that moment, apprehensions about my ‘over-protective’ parenting stood vindicated by this #MeToo movement.

The world out there hasn’t changed much but I am happy that I brought the change within my family. I cannot change the world but I protected my daughter’s childhood. Violence against women continues, sexual assault of women continues, the conviction rates are still low, reporting is still low but if we are careful about our own little world for our daughters (read sons too), we are helping reduce a few #MeToo stories.

Save your girls from becoming another #MeToo narrative.

My Journey From Fat To Healthy

By
Kanan AgnihotriGautam
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1

My Journey From Fat To Healthy

Fat is not always unhealthy
My Journey From Fat To Healthy

Year 2011…

My journey from fat To healthy started in 2011. I was fat and very unhealthy. Once I went to see a doctor and while sitting on the patient’s stool, I fell down as I wasn’t able to control body balance That made me feel ashamed and depressed thinking what had happened to me. The doctor put me on anti-depressants and Orlistat, a medicine that helps preventing the absorption of fats from diet.

I hated myself because of my weight, bloated face and above all those yellow stains on my clothes as well as everywhere I sat. All I wanted was to lose weight. My sugar cravings were too strong to be controlled. Each time I tried, I failed. Comfort eating gave me relief and after that I hated myself all the more. It was indeed a vicious cycle. I started going for walks but couldn’t walk more than a few miles without being breathless in between.

Year 2013….

I felt healthier in 2013 but still fat. I went to the doctor again and he wasn’t able to recognize me after my 30 kg weight loss. My High BP medicines were stopped, Asthma inhaler was thrown aside and Thyroid medicine dosage reduced. I was walking anywhere between 10-12 km in a day and still was full of energy.

Year 2014/15…

I was my lowest weight ever in the last twenty years, but I was again feeling unhealthy. My Thyroid was giving me trouble, I was having issues with breathing and sleep pattern. I hated the way I looked like a sick and starved woman. Nope, There was something seriously wrong somewhere. I tried running and hurt my ankle, resulting in a difficulty in even walking.

Year 2016….

According to the ideal height weight chart being a 5’2″ female, my weight should be between 48-59 kg. What! Is it a joke? No way, I thought, I can never lose weight. What is the point in making effort when I can’t even fall in healthy weight range. Whatsoever I do, I will always be ‘Over weight’. So leave every thing and enjoy life. I let myself lose without realizing that fat is not always unhealthy and every body has a point which might not be ideal but can be called ‘Happy weight’.

Year 2017….

I regained half of my lost weight due to lower levels of activity and irritable thyroid gland. On the verge of getting back to the version with multiple health issues, I decided to chuck the scale. Every time I checked my weight and found it going up, it depressed me more. I was helpless, with a bad swollen ankle, genetic arthritis  issues and to top it all gaining mid body weight due to menopause. “What the heck”, I thought, “it’s not how my story is going to end as a sick, fat and depressed woman, who gave up her fight amidst the battle she was on.

Year 2018….

I finally took back the reins of my health without thinking about my weight or size goals. The decision to give my best in order to stay away from medicines other than Thyroid and Arthritis ones led me to Keto Diet.  It was a quick and very effective way to lose weight. A foodie like me couldn’t sustain it for long so decided to go for a regular diet. I understood that weight loss  transformation stories are simply the results of our habits. They should not in any way erode our sense of self worth.

Three months into my new way of living and I am happy and glowing from inside. I am walking daily anywhere between 5-10 km indoors and outdoors. Eating healthy food, avoiding gluten (affects my breathing pattern), consuming lots of fruits daily is giving results. Slowly but steadily I am losing extra weight again. Though still fat but I feel good and healthy. My blood pressure doesn’t need attention.

There was a time when I was going crazy to get an ‘XS’ size or the so called “bikini body” and for that I was being obsessed with my diet protocol and wasting more time on weighing and calculating food items than being constructively engaged in my life. Whole day I was thinking about food, workouts, losing weight and my body shape. I was almost a borderline case of Body Dysmorphia. That had to stop as all I had ever needed was a healthy body and a mind which was relaxed and gentle. I am no longer dying for my ideal body weight or ‘XS’ size clothing but just a healthy body which can move around whole day without any pain and digest the consumed healthy meals.

The Last Word….

Remember it’s not worth running after the ‘Ideal Body’ at the cost of a ‘Healthy Body’. It is always better to think of a healthy body, workout and eat well so that one can live a good life. Being fat doesn’t always mean being unhealthy, all you need is to feel strong and capable.

Take care of yourself so that you can take charge of your life and take the world head on. I am doing it, you can do it too.

Cheers to life and good health.

The Nightingale And Her Song

By
Kanan AgnihotriGautam
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1

The Nightingale And Her Song

My daughter is my best friend who has taught me new age vocabulary, from “Meh” to “Bleh”. Recently she told me,”Mom, our generation terms women like you as ‘Feminazi’.”
Hmmm! interesting. ‘Feminazi’, I think is the right term for the girl I was, some 30 years back.
After experiencing life for more than 50 years, I think now there is only one word to describe me, ‘woman’.

I have thoroughly enjoyed all stages of womanhood; from a daughter to mother. I always wonder, why there is so much brouhaha, (Thank you Mr Shashi Tharoor, for reminding me this word) about breaking stereotypes and gender roles! I wonder, why do people (read women) get uncomfortable seeing a woman, living a home maker’s life! I also wonder, why are we always over appreciative of the women, who have been successful in breaking free from shackles of relationships, while not of those who changed their world and carried on bravely against all odds.

Wow! Womania….

Raising banners against restrictive gender roles is fine, but judging a woman’s choice to stay with the family, despite difficult situations is not cool.
While talking about women’s freedom; from stereotypes, expectations, idolization and sacrifices; have we ever considered their life’s circumstances? The circumstances, which impel them to make certain choices which might be considered against the cliched definition of a ‘Modern woman’.
Yes, women sometimes decide to get stereotyped; suffer to live up to other’s expectations and get idolized for that. They make sacrifices for the children but that’s fine. Why sensationalize?
Our life situations and circumstances lead us towards a particular direction. Why should women not be applauded for being brave. Bravery doesn’t always mean walking out of relationships and fighting. It requires a lot of courage to clap for your man standing in the wings while you know that you are the “secret behind that successful man”. A strong woman knows that she is the energy behind the shining stars she has created. Her strength requires no validation.
A mother and a wife might decide to do everything to make her husband and children shine like stars but does that mean, she herself is not?
Successful women are not only those, who rise in their careers, earn huge salaries and roam around the world alone; but simple home makers looking after the needs of their families, always available for the loved ones, are equally successful.

Every way a star….

Stars come in all sizes. Some are incredibly big, while some are the tiny ones. Strangely enough, it is always the larger stars that have the shorter lifespan than the tiny ones. A star is a star, large or tiny, doesn’t matter. All of them equally deserve a salute.
All women cannot be big stars, so let them be happy as the smaller ones. Each one of us, fighting our personal battles, is a feminist. Who needs a ‘Feminazi’?
  • let’s STOP criticizing each other for managing house, life and family despite being post graduates.
  • Let’s STOP telling a woman that she is foolish to sacrifice her career for the sake of her kids and family.
  • Let’s STOP telling her anything about her looks, good or bad anything, just let her glow in self pride.

Let’s celebrate womanhood for their individual choices. One life’s biggest truth might be the biggest farce for another life. Why a women makes a particular decision is her individual story, which only she can unfold.

If she reaches out to you for help, do it but remember no one gave you the right to make decisions on her behalf.

Let peace and love prevail and let the nightingale sing her own song.

What Difficult Relationships Teach Us

By
Kanan AgnihotriGautam
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0

What Difficult Relationships Teach Us

The day we enter this physical world, we become part of a quagmire called ‘Relationships’. Parents, siblings, family, extended family, friends so on and so forth. Some relationships bring in peace and solace to our lives but some get really difficult to handle. There are times when you wish to break off all bonds and run away from the daily torture and turmoil. Yes, you wish but you don’t do it; reason…. you realize that one difficult relationship cannot win over the other beautiful ones.

Patience

Going through difficult relationships, we strive for ‘Inner Peace’. We struggle for our own sanity. We look for inner peace which unfortunately is impossible without ‘patience’. Failure to achieve success in a relationship can break our spirit but I feel, it’s for us to see that it should not happen. No failure in life can ever be a weapon potent enough to crack our spirit. A little patience and wisdom can cease the damage. Wisdom is not what we are born with, it comes to a person after going through each and every bad experience with patience. A difficult relationship can kill the one lacking patience, but make one wise and help in spiritual growth.

Spirituality

If we practise patience, we stand a chance for wonderful spiritual growth. Being patient we learn to analyse every moment in any difficult situation. This analysis makes us a wise human being which in turn leads our path towards spirituality.  We become a calmer person, hardly bothered about others deeds or misdeeds. It’s this spiritual enlightenment that makes us understand the goodness in all living beings, despite their failings. As Brian Weiss mentions, “For truly we are all angels temporarily hiding as humans.”

Forgiveness

Developing patience invokes spirituality and as a spiritual person we understand the value of the virtue called ‘Forgiveness’. Spirituality makes us get over the past and learn to let go. This letting go is forgiving.

“Forgive the past. People are constantly changing and growing. Do not cling to a limited, disconnected, negative image of a person in the past. See that person now. Your relationship is always alive and changing.”
― Brian L. Weiss, Messages from the Masters: Tapping into the Power of Love

Yes, people grow, they evolve in various ways. All that is required from us is to acknowledge that change. It is important to be able to visualize the soul of the person with whom we are going through a difficult relationship. We need to acknowledge that the person’s present personality is not only because of the ongoing presence on earth but also due to unavoidable baggage of previous births.

After struggling for years ultimately I understood all this. Being a true believer in the theory of ‘Karmic Debt’, I carried on with all kinds of obstacles in the path of inner peace. I firmly believe that the difficulties I am facing today are all my Karmic debts of previous lives. I need to keep patience and let it all be over in this life so that (may be) in the next birth, I will  be at peace. Tomorrow is always unfolded better when we let it proceed at its own pace.

Never be afraid of a difficult relationship. Learn to treat it as a way for your mental and spiritual growth because only struggles make you a strong human being free of all your ‘Karmic Debt’.

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